Confessions of A Storm Trooper!
The following reflect the sentiments of a storm trooper during the period in which he was employed by The Evil Empire. The following are excerpts from the journal he kept during that time.
January 5, 2009My first official day as a storm trooper for the empire has proved uneventful. I was fitted for purple body armor and indoctrinated as to the origins of the empire and its leader, the one referred to as the Dark Lord. I was also taught the manner in which to address the “subjects” of the empire. Apparently, the interests of the empire are strengthened by those who pay tribute to the empire; in exchange for some type of service that the subjects are expected to primarily be able to perform on their own?
I was also informed that I would be provided a fuel allowance for my star cruiser, lodgings in the galaxy’s finest hotels and empire memorabilia to disseminate throughout the galaxy to the empire’s subjects. I’m not sure yet as to why I would need to stay in a hotel for an “extended period of time.” I guess only time will tell...
January 24, 2009
Took part in my first “Blitz” today. Apparently, when targeting potential subjects that have failed to demonstrate the required enthusiasm to pay tribute to the empire they must be convinced/forced into compliance by an army of storm troopers. I participated in a number of house visits throughout the day and have been informed that harassing people in the wee hours of the morning is an “effective way to contact and persuade” subjects as to the benefits of paying tribute to the empire. I was encouraged to jump fences, camp out in front of targeted subjects homes and “assess” (funny, it sounded as is the subjects were numbers and not actual human beings) as many of the targeted subjects as possible. I’m not sure if the empire is capable of ascertaining the difference between “persistence” and conditions that elicit restraining orders...
February 6, 2009
Great news! I have been informed today that I am to take part in the empire’s battle against the rebel forces which seek to upset the power balance in the galaxy! I have heard so much as to the intensity of the struggle between the rebels, who foolishly seek to establish a democratically operated organization which seeks to represent the concerns of the galaxy’s workers. I have been informed by my commanders that I will be working in another part of the galaxy for an undetermined amount of time...
On a slightly less positive note, my commanders are fond of calling meetings to discuss the overall status of the empire, unruly subjects, potential subjects and introducing new methods of “role play” designed to make dealing with the empire’s subjects easier (as I have been told that sometimes subjects can become audacious enough to question the empire’s affinity for not providing any services or accountability for its actions). I’m beginning to wonder why there is so much unrest among the subjects of the empire; perhaps they just don’t understand that with so many subjects across the galaxy addressing the individual needs of any particular galaxy worker is an absurdity. Besides, once the Dark Lord has spoken there is no point in challenging his awesome authority or fear inducing rhetoric...
February 9, 2009
Arrived at the scene where I will be fighting the rebels after a 30 minute lesson as to the intentions of the self-righteous rebels and the contract which has caused the conditions of the rebellion. I’m not sure if I understand the contract in its entirety (hell, I’m convinced my commander doesn’t even understand it) but I am expected to defend it in the interests of the empire and stop the advance of the rebels by any means necessary...
March 2, 2009
I have been battling the rebels at a galaxy health center for several weeks now. Thus far, they have yet to demonstrate the financial ability to compete with the free spending ways of the empire. In fact, there is only one rebel who occasionally frequents the health center in which I am currently fighting...and if rumor is correct, the rebel is not even getting paid for his efforts! To think that one would work without pay- what could be the reasons behind such folly? There’s no way that the rebel actually believes in the convictions of his organization or that the galaxy’s workers should actually have a voice in the organizations which represent the conditions between them and their employers?
Also, I have been told that I am “listening to the subjects too much” and that the objective of my fighting is not in efforts to improve the conditions for the empire’s subjects but to defeat the rebels so that the subjects continue to pay tribute...
April 4, 2009
Worked a Saturday in order to chart the galaxy workers which work at the health center where I am fighting the rebel forces. I was confused as to the motives behind such activity as I already have a list of all the galaxy workers for which I am responsible. I asked why an entire day was devoted to enlarging a list I already possessed and was told “it’s always been this way” and that my lack of enthusiasm for our corporate encouraged arts and crafts fetish was not appreciated. I wonder how the subjects would feel if they knew that thousands of their tribute dollars each year went towards Arts & Crafts Saturdays? It’s a good thing we’ll never be audited...any semblance of financial accountability is the last thing the empire needs. Besides, the Dark Lord is also engaged in a battle with galaxy hotel workers and is far too great to address the concerns of his ungrateful subjects.
I have begun to grow weary of the long hours of which I am subjected to because I am “on salary” as well as probation and “should just be happy that I have a job.” My commanders have proved incapable of demonstrating any sense of time management and seem perplexed as to why working 50+ hours a week away from home is not welcomed with blind obedience and a smile. My fellow storm troopers are too scared to say anything and I have been reprimanded (both in front of them and privately) for daring to challenge the authority of the empire...
May 11, 2009
Today I participated in my first Subject Appreciation Day (The mere thought of it is laughable as well as insulting!). My commanders are convinced that hot dogs and key chains are adequate means of silencing the groveling of the subjects, at least temporarily. Rather than performing an organizational self-critique my fellow storm troopers and I barbecued in a parking lot and distributed the empire’s memorabilia.
Unfortunately, I have fallen out of graces with my commanders who now regularly chastise me for exhibiting a lack of visible support for the empire. In fact, I have even been accused of “working for the rebel forces”, being far too “friendly” with the subjects and failing to realize that subjects who don’t love the empire have only themselves to blame. I am having a tough time being evaluated by commanders with less education, people skills and compassion for the subjects of the empire than many of the young storm troopers which it has hired. Unlike the lowly storm troopers, my commanders answer to nobody. They routinely change established deadlines due to their inability to meet them, have no qualms making those beneath them work at all hours of the day and night and seem content in their smug evaluations of the inadequacies of exhausted storm troopers...
June 5, 2009
I resigned from the empire today. I turned in my body armor, brief case and “sensitive documents”. I always wondered why employers were so hesitant to provide health care coverage for their employers and I now know why. Continuing to work for the empire would have undoubtedly led to a series of strokes and/or heart attacks in the very near future and done immeasurable psychological damage; as consistent lying and the daily manipulation of others can not be good for one’s mental health.
I could no longer work under the evil and hypocritical veil of oblivion which governs the day to day actions of the empire. I am now content to except the inevitability of my employment at a coffee shop or book store which can only pay me a small portion of what I was making working for the empire.
I can only hope that the rebels are successful in igniting rebellion among the subjects of the empire and that the Dark Lord does not succeed in increasing his sinister grasp on the throats of the galaxy’s workers...
